


Record Deleted

by Stuart James (Stoob)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-28
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-02 21:36:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1061920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stoob/pseuds/Stuart%20James
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's always a lot going on in Miranda Lawson's dark life and she has few close friends she can talk to, but she's always has the ear of one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_new record created_  
Mum,

Sorry I haven't written in a while, busy busy and all that. I can't believe how long it feels since I took over the Lazarus project but it's happening! Not certain it was the best way for us to know for sure but a few months back Shepard woke up for while and showed signs of consciousness and some basic motor control. She almost died in the process though. Wilson. He's good. Damn good. But reckless. Part of the territory with un-enhanced genii, I suppose, the quirks, foibles and eccentricities. I'm lucky in that regard but to speak to my imaginary mother through journals I immediately delete, that's probably not so normal either, if I'm honest with myself. Just as well. I'm not sure I'd want to tell a real mother about some of things we do in Cerberus. They've kept me safe so far but with the Illusive Man, the protection he provides is also the risk. I've seen first hand what happens to those who want to leave his protection once they think they no longer need it. Right now though, that feels like the least of my worries.

I finally got the news from the clinic. I don't want to write it down. If you really were listening, you'd know what I mean. It's just, why? Did dad take that away from me too? Couldn't he even let me make that decision for myself? If I hated him before, I can't put into words what I feel now, what I want to do to him, what I'm going to do to him. If I meet Oriana on Illium, probably not a good idea to tell her right away but she needs to know. God. I've only just found out myself but to tell her when she's so young, I'm not sure if that's better or worse. I just hope it doesn't make her hate me.

Jacob's on this operation. Yea, I know, I'm not stupid. Nobody's perfect but I'm not going to make the same mistake twice. Not that I'm saying that Jacob was a mistake. Jacob's a great guy and we had a great time but it's just that that was then and this is now, and if I'm brutal, I don't have time for any of that, not if I'm going to keep Oriana safe and not with what I know now. I've thrown him a bone though, passed on some intel I came across, potentially about his dad. That's something he's never resolved, it'd be nice for him to get some closure over that. I'd better go, seems to be some kind of mech drill going on. Why wasn't I informed?

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


	2. Chapter 2

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Mum,

Pear shaped does not begin to describe what happened at the Lazarus facility. We were lucky to get out alive but Shepard is up and about now, ready for action though I had to kill Wilson for turning on us. I mean I have no qualms about disposing of such a mole but enemies within, in Cerberus? I'd thought that we had better security than that. When I get back to the Illusive Man for a briefing in person, I'm having words about his information networks and vetting procedures. Shadow Broker? Possibly. The Broker's still got to be hurting after we got one over him on Omega and the network did seem rather interested in Shepard. Was Wilson the only link to that network? How exposed are we?

Shepard is, well, she's Shepard. I don't know why I expected anything different but she's standoffish, distrusting of Cerberus and condescending. When I tried to assist her in my capacity as XO by pointing out our first key objective of locating the salarian scientist, she was just like, “Well I'm Commander Shepard and we do things my way.” then guess what she did? Set a course to Omega to locate the doctor.

That said, I can't really have expected her to be grateful, or even gracious, all things considered. I still have trouble believing some of it myself and I've read the reports. I don't know and I'm not sure that I want to know the true objectives of some of the facilities that Shepard shut down during the geth war. And Admiral Kahoku was a big mistake. Cerberus was made, it was only putting off the inevitable. Executing an Alliance official was always just going to bring heat, and not just from the Earth Systems Alliance. Those kinds of actions get the interest of everyone, Citadel Council particularly. We were rogue enough without that on top. I honestly don't know what the Illusive Man's long term goals are. He speaks well enough of human continuation, dominance and an assured future but at what cost? To what end? What dominance? Economic and technological superiority or Human Empire? Or worse.

Back on a happier note, the crew of our ship are a good bunch. A little more casual than I'd normally like but Shepard seems comfortable with it all and that's what's important right now. Yeoman Kelly Chambers could charm the pants off the Consort, good that she's here, even if she is a little overly 'bright and breezy' for me. Engineers Donnelly and Daniels are like an old couple without even being in a relationship but that's probably only a matter of time. It's funny watching the crew. It's just a job to them. They get on with the normal stuff too, games nights, friendships, relationships, I hear one crewman is even pregnant. Not how I'd have it personally but it seems to work here, for now. There's larger concerns. Am I prejudiced? I like to think I can get on with anyone but when it comes to politics and the future of humanity, I will not suffer fools gladly, nor will I concede ground just to keep the peace. In my experience, all species have the same demographics: good and bad, noble and ignoble, loving and cold, we're all the same. Hopefully the rest of this bunch will be dedicated and intelligent like Doctor Solus, but I doubt it. We've already picked up this other mercenary, hard-faced and eager to intimidate. This is never going to work and I've worked damned hard to make sure it does! What's the Illusive Man's game?

I'd better get on. We're off to recruit a dangerous criminal from one of those distasteful off-world prison ships. Great!

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


	3. Chapter 3

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Mum,

This is never going to work. I never thought I'd dislike anyone so instantly but our newest 'squad member' is a sight and sound to behold. Sneering, cynical, confrontational, chaotic, every aspect of her being grates on me, even her array of 'shocking' tattoos. And me being the embodiment of everything she hates, she takes great and perverse pleasure in paying me particular attention. There is an actual reason why she was banged up in that prison-ship: she's a psychotic murderer with no regard for life except her own! I mean, none of us here particularly has a clean conscious but her? To coin an outmoded term, I'd say she's criminally insane. I just hope she can direct all that fury at the enemy.

The move is on. I just have to get Shepard's okay for the final push but we're jumping all over the galaxy at the moment so shouldn't be too long until we hit Illium, and there's various business we have there anyway. Interestingly, I overheard some of Shepard's old crew talking. Seems there's more to Illium than I'd thought. Her former lover, Doctor T'Soni? Shepard doesn't know the ins and outs of how her body came to be in Cerberus' hands. That should be interesting but I'd best play it cool and keep schtum. Wouldn't want to come between two lovers and I did empathise with the Doctor at the time. I mean, we tricked her really, played on her emotional state. I didn't like that. Asari or not, she would have done what was for the greater good regardless, she's proved that in the past but if I'm honest with myself, that whole Omega business is another thing about the Illusive Man I have come to question, and his motivations.

But back to Oriana. I've an asari contact who is helping with the logistics, though Cerberus are providing the backing and thankfully I still have Niket. Thank God for Niket. I don't like to use him like this but I'm hoping there'll be no complications. With dad, you never know though, he's got a lot of resources. I just want Ori to have the option of a normal life, if that's what she wants, but that's the point; it should be her choice. Without wanting to sound condescending, I don't know how strong Ori is without me. I'm just lucky that I was so headstrong that I took off when I'd had enough but that was my decision. My genes? Not my decision but I can live with that one. A bit chicken and egg that one anyway. I do wonder though, why he didn't want us to have a mother, even if it wasn't feasible for the process itself. Which makes me wonder, why make us sterile? He denied me a mother, and now the chance to be a mother. If he is some kind of deranged misogynist, why choose daughters at all? Did he just like playing at being 'daddy'? I hate that he has those happier memories from me, when I was very young. He was my daddy and I loved him, like any other little girl but behind that smiling, kind face, he was always planning and deciding my future, knowing even then what he was willing to do to his own daughter. I'll probably never get the answers I want from him and none of it probably matters anyway. Only that he doesn't get to play god with Ori and me, and she's daughter enough to me now. She's all I have.

Kelly's just informed me Shepard's on her way down. Good. Hoping I can get her on board and hit Illium next. Fair do's to the Commander though, she's been quite obliging to most of the crew so far, I just hope I haven't distanced myself too far. I know I can do that and while it can be helpful to have that façade, sometimes it's counter-productive. Nobody's perfect, eh?

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


	4. Chapter 4

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Mum,

Shepard is on board for the move but we headed to the Citadel. She wanted to make her peace with the Alliance and Council first and pick up a so called 'Master Thief'. Only the latter had any degree of success. Predictably, the Council prevaricated over the facts, dismissing even the notion of Reapers, conceding only that if Shepard's investigation sticks to the Terminus Systems they'll turn a blind eye to her Cerberus partnership. Idiots. The Council won't be satisfied until the full force of the Reapers is on their doorstep and it's all too late. Just as well Cerberus picked up the ball. Just as well Shepard's here.

Despite my initial misgivings, I can't deny she's an awesome Commander. She's even managed to keep Jack at bay for now. I would have thought that the ship would be more disorderly with so many rogue elements but to be fair, she's kept a tight ship. Even got us some decent catering supplies for the Mess Sergeant. Thank God! Though I do believe she was seen staggering out of Doctor Chakwas' infirmary, somewhat worse for wear. Might have to keep an eye those two, you know what those old war buddies can be like once they get started. I've bit my lip so far but I'm well aware the Doctor uses the meds fridges for cooling beer cans after hours. Probably no sense in making anything of it but I hope this doesn't reflect on her professionalism.

I have to admit to a pang. I spoke with the 'Master Thief' to get to know the squad a bit better, XO's obligations and all that. Charming, witty and very intelligent, could have been an excellent espionage operative with her skills. She mentioned Jacob, 'in that way'. Surprised even myself that I felt a little hurt, even though she's no idea and nothing has actually happened. I don't think I gave myself away but with these sorts you never know, like myself they've learned to recognise the smaller signs of discomfort. It can be the difference between life and death if it looks like a meet is going rum.

We're definitely hitting Illium next. I'll let you know how it all goes. Wish us luck!

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


	5. Chapter 5

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Mum,

First of all, Oriana is safe, but that was some hard going on Illium. I'm trying not to feel bad about it, about Niket, I think I can safely blame dad there again. He twisted him, turned Niket against me, and I almost, I wanted to kill him for betraying me and Ori. I know it's wrong. Shepard stopped me and for the right reasons but that merc bitch killed him anyway, so I'll never know if Niket was wholly lost. I hope that he could have seen what he did to me. My life's so complicated and so much is out of my hands, I can't afford to lose old friends. I just pray that the Illusive Man is true to his word and keeps dad from finding out about Oriana. After this operation though, I might have to re-prioritise my life. Oriana comes first and I can't be watching the people who are supposed to be watching her in case I can't trust them.

I almost didn't speak to Oriana at all. I don't know why really, I told myself at the time it was to protect her but once again, Shepard pushed me, told me it might not be so bad for Oriana to know she's got a sister who cares and she's right; that's part of the point of all this. I spoke with Ori for a while, nothing big, just chat. Seems she's as bright as a button. Good. She might need that. I hope that she gets to use that for something more productive but it's good that she's not quite as naïve or vulnerable as I might have thought.

That Eclipse Sister, it makes me wonder, something I've pondered before; the asari. Living for a thousand years must make us humans seem like blips to them. Possibly even unimportant. They talk well enough of the galaxy's need to be inclusive when they wax lyrical on the Citadel but the home world Thessia is another story. Their Matriarch Council rages over whether Thessia should close borders or continue in their 'galactic social experiment'. The Matriarch bartender we met at Nos Astra said as much, that the galaxy has been a cycle of destruction even just in her lifetime, and she'd rather that Thessia just shut up shop and became independent, and keep well out. I'm certain more goes on with the asari that they let on. As one of the oldest space-faring species in the galaxy, and having the luxury of a thousand years to ponder the universe, there's got to be something that they're holding back. We would.

Talking of asari, Shepard had her re-union with the good Doctor. Not sure it went quite how she'd hoped by her mood afterwards. Something certainly happened later though, and being Shepard, it was destructive. Some kind of car chase and running gun battle around Nos Astra after a trade building was bombed, now with the Justicar always in tow. Not sure what to make of Shepard's asari fascination. I'm not one to judge but that's quite a specific orientation. Anyway, leaving their wake of chaos, Doctor T'Soni is aboard the Normandy and we're winging our way to some far flung part of the galaxy. The plot thickens and while I think I've learned I can trust her, Shepard's being awfully coy with the details. I'll let you know what happens, assuming I find out!

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


	6. Chapter 6

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Mum,

Well, Shepard, Doctor T'Soni and Samara took the shuttle down to Hagalaz, then a good few hours later, Samara and Shepard came back. There's a wry smile about them, and I hate being on the outside of things like that. Shepard said smugly and enigmatically that she'd “brokered a deal to hopefully make things more stable in the future”, then almost laughed. Was it a pun? No-one before has ever got that close to him/her/it/thing. See? I don't even know that. Gah! Regardless, the Commander's mood has certainly lifted since the Doctor came for a tour of the ship and I believe, drinkies in the captain's quarters? Now we're doing grand tours of Cerberus operations for the daughter of an indoctrinated Matriarch! Did Shepard get clearance from the Illusive Man to bring her aboard? I doubt it but to be fair, I also doubt she'll be running off to Thessia to spill it all, so it could be worse. The Doctor's a good stick, I reckon.

I know I joked before about her reasons for taking Samara on missions but whatever they were doing down there, Doctor T'Soni, Samara and Commander Shepard in a squad must be a force to be reckoned with. I'm aware that when they fought along side Ashley Williams (AKA Dark Destroyer) during the geth war and eliminating a huge chunk of Cerberus resources, Shepard and T'Soni were a powerful team, cementing their legendary status as the 'Girl Squad', but three biotics of that strength would be enough even for the Broker I'd wager. I'm a natural biotic, and even Shepard wipes the floor with my skills. That first time we fought together against those mechs on Freedom's Progress, she barely even used her weapon. I wonder if she got her style from Doctor T'Soni, the asari seem to weave biotics into their whole repertoire. I've always wanted to be able to have more time to spend on my biotics, to have that level of 'oneness' with it. Right now, compared to the asari and probably Shepard (an honorary asari if I'm facetious, though I think she'd actually revel in that title), I'm still throwing rocks while they're co-ordinating air strikes. Can't have everything, eh?

Doctor Solus came to see me. He calmly but smugly passed me all the monitoring devices that were in the lab, wryly commenting that he expected better from Cerberus and they were pretty easy to find. Some of them even seemed to be of salarian STG design, no doubt tech 'acquired' by Cerberus somewhere along the line. Embarrassing. But also, he's right and that's concerning. I don't know all the ins and outs but the Illusive Man is not short of a few credits. Where else is he saving a few creds to the detriment of the operation? Unmonitored alien presences on the ship, with the unique tech available here, I just hope he knows what he's doing. If we give away all of our secrets now, how can we compete in the future?

Onwards now. If the Illusive Man's information is good, we're hopefully going to infiltrate a Collector vessel seemingly dead in space. Not sure where he gets this kind of data from. Not sure I want to know. The Omega operation was all kinds of dark. Blue Suns, Shadow Broker, Collectors, assassins, Doctor T'Soni, Aria T'Loak, all and sundry unsavoury sorts. For a separatist, the Illusive Man has a lot of fingers in a lot of pies. I'm beginning to wonder why he's kept me around.

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


	7. Chapter 7

_record created_  
Mum,

Cerberus. I think I'm too close. The rest of the squad were angry at the Illusive Man for sending us into what was obviously a trap on that Collector vessel, but I was still there, telling them the Illusive Man wouldn't do anything without good reason. Maybe I am naïve, that I think the Illusive Man wouldn't intentionally bring harm on his operatives, then I look at Jack. A small child, stolen from her family, and treated like a lab experiment. If that's the actions he's willing to take on the wholly innocent, then I can't imagine he'd lose much sleep over the likes of us if he thought it of minor advantage.

Shepard took me on the Pragia mission with Jack. That was awful. I appreciate what she was trying to do, to help Jack confront her demons but when she was re-living some of what happened here, I couldn't help but empathise. I suspect that's why Shepard took me down, so I could see with my own eyes what Cerberus are capable of. Jack was like a lost little girl at times. She let that other one from the facility live, but that was down to Shepard again. It was heartbreaking hearing her describe the horrors she was put through, how she described the sadness and loneliness of the room that was her world. I had to look away for a gulp when she said about her desk being her only friend, that lost look at Shepard. I stupidly tried to defend Cerberus, I don't even know why really, probably misplaced revenge for all her recent 'Cheerleader' comments. Terrible, I know. But boy, she came for me once we'd returned to the Normandy, as though I was personally the one who caused it all. I couldn't just stand there and say, yes, Cerberus is wholly evil and must be stopped. Gah! Shepard diffused the whole thing but I doubt we're done yet, I can tell she's like a bitch with a bone and she's not going to leave this.

I can't keep Oriana safe like this, not with Cerberus, well I can't guarantee it anyway. I've given the Illusive Man enough chances over the years but I've seen nothing to say he's even close to being a force for any kind of benevolence, or progress. Do I want to be the one standing beside him when he steps up to claim his galactic empire? History's littered with well-intentioned people on the wrong side, I always thought them liars and idiots. Which am I? Do I lie to myself or am I just an idiot? Shepard's opened my eyes so much, I don't think I can do this any more.

Miranda  
 _record deleted_


End file.
